Bryan the Blessed
Listen up bitches because i'm about to weave you a story the likes of which you've never f**king heard. Seriously there are bards out there that have heard this story and given up barding because nothing they bard will ever be quite as ball-burstingly awesome as the extreme sh*t that you're about to read. So once in Norvic theres this bookbinder right? But not an ordinary book binder because that sh*t would be too mundane to warrant the kind of epic wordsmithing i'm about to pour through your tiny underdeveloped minds. No, this f**king bookbinder is making books like you've never seen, not out of paper, f**k no, this legends making them out of f**king precious metals and gemstones and once i heard he made a book in the form of a soup and you read it by drinking it. I sh*t you not, once this guy actually built a massive book out of nothing but smaller books and taught it how to read itself. The point is hes making some pretty f**king snazzy books, and motherf**kers are coming from all across ithron to buy these books, the dudes f**king drowning in gold at this point and who can spend more gold than you can spend? This f**ker, thats who. This bookbinder hes tearing through Norvic's markets like i tore through your mum last night, hes not only buying sh*t that he doesn't need but he's buying sh*t he doesn't even want, just because he can, they say he commissioned himself to bind a book in which to write a list of the things he owned just so he could pay tax on the money he earnt twice. The point is after a couple of years f**king about, spending his days whoring and his evenings drinking with whores and his nights sleeping with drunken whores and his mornings paying whores to go drinking and his afternoons eating cupcakes because not even this magnificent b*stard can spend 24 hours of every day doing whore related stuff, plus a f**kers got to eat and who doesn't like cupcakes? C*nts, thats who! He only sleeps for 3 hours every 5 days and sometimes he doesn't sleep at all and sometimes he sleeps while doing other things like juggling flaming knives or petting kittens or juggling flaming kittens, thats right FLAMING MOTHERF**KING KITTENS! But the dudes not happy. Why? I'll f**king tell you why, because theres something missing, and its something you can't find at a marketplace, even some of the dodgy backalley markets in lowestoft and you can find some really dodgy sh*t at those places. Anyway, one night the dude has a dream, and in the dream he sees this bird in a white dress, really tidy looking, but not just in a "phwoar" way but also kind of shiny like some kind of bejewelled f**king hummingbird and she turns to him and says "YEEEEEAAAAHH BIIAATCH! MOTHERF**KING VLEYBORS IN THE HIZZOUSE!". To which he replies "DAAAAAAAAAAMN!". Then she gives him this cup and straight up tells the motherf**ker "Yo, drink this B and we be rolling all over this humpty-bumpty like WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!" So he takes a sip and then straight up chugs this chalice because the stuff in it tastes like grapes. And he comes over all peaceful like, for about 30 seconds and then Vleybors all "YO B, don't go spacing and being all hippy dippy and crap, just coz you rolling with my crew don't mean you got to be a pussy yadig?" Then she gives him this big piece of wood and says, "Take this and if some f**kers being a c*nt, give em a slap in the knackers and tell them vleybor says don't be a c*nt. Also this staff is custom and sh*t because its got like some big f**king dragon head carved into it, its like the coolest sh*t ever." Anyway, Bryan wakes up upside down in a place he's never seen before, turns out he got blind drunk and ended up in the garden of Vleybor, plus hes got a staff and a holy symbol from somewhere, possibly he nicked them from the same place he got the traffic cone hes wearing as a hat, so hes like "lets do this sh*t!" Gives all his money to his family and f**ks off to become the most magnificent f**king priest you've ever seen.